唉！睡覺有點難搞！
自小就是個難以入睡的人，夢多心煩，覺得自己少個「安靜的靈魂」。燈光、鐘錶規律滴答聲...樣樣都難以忍受。而一直都睡在身邊的妹妹倒像個「對照組」-我還在思索上床前兩人的對話，反身看她已經睡到不醒人事。
高中時期，住在學校宿舍，有段時間貪戀夜間讀書的暢快，一吃完飯便上床睡覺，直到大家紛紛準備入睡才見我起身梳洗，常在夢迴恍惚間，思考人生大義，不過想也知這種唸法，對考大學沒什麼幫助，但現在還是很懷念那段時間，那種恍惚卻又清醒的感覺，以及那種夜間冷靜的溫度。
上了大學，隨意的課表也讓生活難以規律。家住的近些（我們都稱住的地方叫家），所以課堂與課堂之間，成了補眠的最佳時段。此時若有難眠狀況，多是為情所擾。大一到大三期間，短期之戀未曾斷過，從若有似無的暗戀到天翻地覆的情感，各段情緣總有影響睡眠的因子。曾有一段期末考前，期盼的希望滅了，難過的只要閉上雙眼，淚水即從眼角滑落，更別提入睡，已屆考期，於是我只要醒著便讓書本映入眼簾，腦中無閒暇時刻，經濟、心理、社會...所有理論在腦內反覆，字句刻劃腦海。嗯...那時真是年輕，失戀傷痛在考完幾週之間就褪去，又開始尋找假期中的幸福，煩惱斷地快自然也睡得輕鬆。
最難熬的是大四寫論文那段時間，「從流行音樂看女性意涵（1995-2000）」，一看就知道是神經病寫的題目。那段時間，常在夢中驚醒，說「我知道了」，並四處找尋紙筆，寫下在夢中的論調，因此整整一年的時間深受夢境折磨。我在夢中經歷了論文寫不出來的焦慮、報告趕不及的驚恐，幾度以為自己過不去，卻也走過來了。
現在為了自己的身體，每天睡前都要跟時間賽跑，我想就是年輕的時候用身體換時間，現在才得花時間補身體，不過身邊的人都覺得我現在過的生活「終於正常了」。每天9點多開始要培養睡意，10點多就得在床上看書，偶爾偷看「康熙來了」，但是後半段還是不能太專心聽，以免過了11點我就毫無睡意，雖然還是常受夢境所擾，但好在現在做的是「耗費體力」的工作，整日東奔西跑的解決問題，所以已經比以往好眠，更容易進入恍惚狀態。
有時候恍惚是甜美/暈眩的，那是一種要拉你飛往天堂的力量，放掉擔憂就跟著飛翔。有時候恍惚，是倉皇/驚恐的，總有事情做不完/想不透的恐慌，不敢閉上雙眼，怕一口氣喘不上來就掛了。
最近覺得自己真老了，少了搏鬥的力量，每天不敢憤怒或過於哀傷，只能讓情緒都淡淡的，得不停告訴自己 - 想得少了煩惱也跟著少了。「能夠每天好好睡一覺」，這件事真有點難搞。
2004.10.23
最後更新時間 2007-03-04 10:28:33
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